


Will It Ever Change?

by sleepyqueerboi



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Virgil Sanders, brief food mention maybe?, deceit is a horrible horrible snake, depictions of abuse / violence, fair amounts of swearing, internal and external transphobia, like parental ish relationship, there's a very toxic relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-22 19:44:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15589329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyqueerboi/pseuds/sleepyqueerboi
Summary: Multiple fractions of a single personality, living as if they were people inside the mind they call home. Some of them are more human than others.





	Will It Ever Change?

**Author's Note:**

> This is separate from my Trying to Survive fic, and is more of a what if one of the Sides, while still fully a part of Thomas, was trans?

“Nerezza! What on Earth do you think you’re doing!?” Deceit almost screeched, watching the 9 year old embodiment of anxiety wearing his clothes at the dinner table.

“I had no clean comfy clothes…” the Side mumbled, newly cut bangs falling into sad eyes.

“You have plenty of dresses! And what did I tell you about cutting your hair!? You look like a boy now!” Despite all of the Light Sides and Dark Sides of Thomas’ personality being the same age as Thomas, Deceit was more emotionally mature than all of the other Dark Sides put together, and he had clearly stated that he wanted the one female Side to at least /look/ like a girl, for crying out loud.

“…I like it short…” That received Nerezza a hard slap across the face, leaving the other Dark Sides in shock.

“Go change into a dress and reform your hair, right now. I don’t want to ever see you like this again.” Nerezza stood and ran, until she reached the confines of her room, where, once the door was shut and locked, she sunk to the floor and started crying.

 

Why didn’t any of them get it? She didn’t want to be a girl, she wanted to be a real boy like the rest of the Sides!

 

Slowly, Nerezza got back up, harshly rubbing at her eyes before going over to the small desk in the corner of her room, littered with papers, containing lists and lists of masculine names. She had yet to choose one that fit, but she knew she didn’t want one with the same meaning as Nerezza. Stupid Deceit, giving her a name that literally meant darkness. After a few minutes of rifling through the papers, she paused, seeing handwriting that looked like it belonged to someone else, yet Nerezza had never seen the handwriting before. There was a single name, wrote very neatly and very clearly.

“Vir… gil?” Nerezza whispered, keeping her voice low. “Virgil… That actually sounds really nice…”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Years passed, Thomas was now 16. And Virgil had done everything in her - no, his - power to hide the truth from Deceit, about his identity. Transgender, that’s what it was. Being born as one gender but feeling like another. Unfortunately, Deceit had kept his promise from all those years before, so one morning, when Virgil forgot to shape shift his hair into long, flowing strands, he received a solid punch in the jaw as he walked into the living room, before his hair was pulled by Deceit, so they were looking at each other eye to eye.

“What the fuck did I tell you, Nerezza?” Deceit hissed. The left side of his face had become slightly shinier than the right as of late, and almost scaly, which added to the fear-inducing aura he exuded. Virgil stayed silent, knowing that he would not be able to hide his identity if he spoke up. After a few seconds, Deceit dropped him, and as he fell, Virgil noticed Deceit changing his shaggy purple hair until it was long, sleek and all black. “You are going to keep your hair long, Nerezza, or so help me,” Deceit snarled as he crouched down to Virgil’s level. “I won’t be so nice next time.”

 

Virgil was numb to it by now, so he simply nodded, before getting up and slowly walking back to his room, ignoring the hunger pangs in his stomach. Once back in his room, he changed his hair back to the short, scruffy mess he enjoyed, yet he couldn’t get the black colouring to come out (but he could learn to deal with that), and slumped onto his bed, burrowing into the thick black hoodie he had started to wear constantly to distract his mind from his chest. Maybe he could just stay here, forever, as it would never change outside.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Virgil opened his eyes, he was in a completely different place from the DarkScape. The sun was shining through the windows, and a happy hum of different noises was coming from the kitchen on the other side of the room. Virgil had done it. He had managed to get into the Light side of the Mindscape. He tried to close the door to the DarkScape as quietly as he could, yet when he pushed it shut, it echoed like a thousand heavy iron doors slamming all at once. Virgil paused, immediately feeling the anxiety bubble in his stomach. He looked around quickly, hoping he could find a spare bedroom to claim before he was seen, yet he locked eyes with someone in the kitchen, who was wearing thick-rimmed glasses and had rather fluffy, light brown hair sticking up in all directions. This guy’s hazel eyes were wide in shocked, before he squealed, and Virgil couldn’t tell what emotion was behind that sound.

“Logan! Roman!!! Someone new has shown up!!!!!” The guy had yelled out before Virgil could register how happy he sounded, and suddenly he was looking up at this guy’s wide smile and blue polo-clad chest. He’s so much taller than me… Virgil couldn’t help but think, but as Virgil was a staggering 4ft 11 on his tiptoes that wasn’t hard to accomplish. In a matter of seconds, two more even taller guys appeared on the staircase, their eyes as wide as the other one.

“A Dark Side? But how is that possible?” The one with thin glasses was mumbling to himself. His dark brown hair was perfectly flat on his head, and he was wearing a black polo shirt and a light blue tie. His blue eyes glinted with confusion as he whispered about who knows what.

“He’s obviously here to thwart us somehow!” The other one announced, his tone very extra. He was wearing a prince costume, red sash and all, and his bright green eyes were sparkling behind strands of his coiffed medium brown hair. Despite his obvious insult, Virgil felt his heart flutter at being called a ‘he’. They, or at least this prince guy, saw him as a boy.

“Now, Roman! Don’t be so rude to our guest! Not all of the Dark Sides are super bad!” The one right in front of Virgil huffed, looking at the prince. Roman… Virgil made a mental note of this.

“It’s true that not all of the Dark Sides are horrible, as they are needed to maintain a stable balance within humans, but there are not usually crossovers involving any aspect except Deceit, so I am curious as to who this new visitor is.” Whoa, Necktie talks a lot, Virgil thought, quickly becoming overwhelmed by how many words spewed out of his mouth in such a short amount of time.

“Well what’s your name, Kiddo?” Glasses asked, giving a strangely warm smile to Virgil. He paused, knowing that he wasn’t comfortable giving out his real name, and he would rather die than out himself to these people who actually see him as a boy. He could relish in it for a little longer.

“Anx…Anxiety…” He muttered, feeling his voice crack from nerves.

“Well hey there, Anxiety! I’m Patton, and I’m Thomas’ Morality, but you can call me Dad if you want to!” Patton smiled again, before pointing to Necktie and Princey. “The one with the tie is Logan, he’s Thomas’ Logic and knowledge, and the one wearing the prince costume is Roman, he’s Thomas’ Creativity, but we all call him the Prince because of his outfit.” Patton was absolutely radiating happiness as he beamed, before wrapping an arm around Virgil’s shoulders and taking him on an impromptu tour of the LightScape. “This here is the kitchen, I do the most work in here! I like baking a lot, you could even call me a Pat-issier!” Virgil coughed, to hide the chuckle that tried to escape his throat from the corny joke Patton uttered. Virgil could hear Logan groaning from the stairs.

“Patton, why are you letting this villain into our home!? He could be waiting to take over Thomas’ core functions at any moment!” Roman seemed to plead as he followed Patton. Virgil tensed up more than he had from the unexpected human contact at hearing those words, the sadness from being seen as evil overpowering the flutter from the male pronouns they were all still using.

“Now Roman, we do not judge people simply based on if they look a little gloomy!” Patton gave Virgil’s shoulder a squeeze, as if reassuring him, and Virgil couldn’t stop the small smile working its way onto his face.

 

Things could be good here.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Now Thomas is in his 20s, and he’s making YouTube videos. Roman’s working overtime to come up with good ideas, and Logan’s sticking around to shoot down the more lucrative ones.

 

Virgil stays to his room most days. He still hasn’t managed to get the black out of his hair that Deceit put there. Just thinking about him makes Virgil shudder, but it’s been years and Deceit hasn’t shown up once, looking for him, which fills Virgil with hope. Maybe he can be here forever, have an actual family.

 

But then it sinks in. He still hasn’t told the others that he’s transgender. He had no idea how on God’s green Earth he was supposed to tell them, or how they would react to such staggering news. It was driving him up the wall, his own anxiety tearing him apart at having to keep this secret safe. But hell, they didn’t even know his name, how was he supposed to walk up to them and reveal that he was born with two X chromosomes when they didn’t know what his name was!?

 

There’s a slight tap on the door. It’s Patton, it always is.

“Hey, Anxiety? I’ve made some sandwiches for lunch, you can come down if you want some.” And then footsteps walk away from the door.

 

He hasn’t had a single meal with them in all the years he’s been here. He can’t bring himself to do it, he left the only binder he had with the Dark Sides, he’ll feel too uncomfortable without one, and he’s afraid he’ll be caught if he makes one here. He only leaves to pick up the evening meal tray Patton leaves outside his room.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was midnight. Virgil had just eaten the small bowl of noodles that Patton had left him, and his throat was dying from thirst. He hadn’t managed to sneak a drink in days, due to the others having late night movie sessions. However, the Mindscape was silent. He would be safe, right?

 

Forgoing his safety hoodie, Virgil crept out of his room in only a tank top and leggings, carrying multiple water bottles. He needed to stock up, he couldn’t be parched again for this long. With soft steps, he climbed down the stairs, and silently walked into the kitchen before beginning to fill up the five different 2 litre bottles he had brought with him.

 

Virgil was so preoccupied with filling up his bottles that he failed to hear footsteps coming down the stairs or over to the kitchen.

“Anxiety?”

 

Virgil screamed. Not a small yelp, but a full, high pitched, blood-curdling scream left his throat. He turned, seeing a very surprised and concerned Patton, before immediately dropping the bottle he was holding and clamping his arms over his chest, his heart pounding in his throat and his ears.

 

When the bottle landed, water flooded the kitchen, soaking Virgil’s feet, but he didn’t care. His eyes were locked on Patton.

“Are you okay, Anxiety? I didn’t mean to scare-” Patton paused, looking at Virgil’s arms before gasping, and Virgil felt his small amount of pride crumble. “Your arms! They’re covered in scratches! Did you break something?” Patton immediately came into the kitchen, ignoring his now drenched Winnie the Pooh socks, and tried to pull one of Virgil’s arms away from his chest.

“No!” Virgil yelled, a little too loudly, his voice distorting slightly as he ripped himself away from Patton and turned his back to the Moral Side. “No, I’m… I’m okay… They’re old scars…” Patton paused, and the Mindscape became still for a few seconds.

“Did… did you make them? Or… was it him?” The ice in Patton’s voice when he mentioned him sent a shiver up Virgil’s spine. He had to tell him… I’m done with hiding, even if I end up alone.

“Yeah… he never really approved of me being, well, me, and he thought physical violence would knock it out of me…”

“Knock what out of you, Kiddo?” Patton’s voice was trembling with what Virgil could only assume to be rage. Keep going keep going!

“The transgender-ness…”

“You’re… transgender?” All Virgil could do was nod, his gaze locked on the wet floor. “Have we been misgendering you this whole time?? I’m so sorry!” Virgil’s head shot up at that, looking at Patton through wide, tear-filled eyes.

“What? You haven’t… I was… I was female when I first materialised…” Virgil could feel his heart throbbing in his throat as he watched Patton’s face go from impossibly confused to… was he happy?

“That’s a relief, I thought we were misgendering you for all these years.” Patton clapped his hands together. “Now let’s clean up this water, shall we?”

“You aren’t angry at me?” Virgil mentally cursed at himself for how fragile and scared his voice sounded in that moment. Patton looked at him, bewildered.

“Whatever for, kiddo? You’re a boy now, right?” Virgil hesitated before nodding. “Then you’re a boy! None of us here mind what you are, you’re still a part of our family, Anxiety.”

“Virgil…” Virgil whispered before he could stop himself. He really found himself trusting the parental Side. Patton’s face lit up before he pulled a mop out of the nearby cupboard.

“Well, Virgil, how about we get to mopping up before going back to bed, okay?” Virgil nodded again, more firmly this time as he felt the trace of a smile creep onto his lips.

“Yeah.”

 

Things had changed. Finally.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Virge, can you grab the plates for me please!?” Patton called from the kitchen, over the sounds of him clanging pots and pans together on the stove.

“Yeah!” Virgil called, getting up from his spot on the couch next to Roman and pocketing his phone.

 

The last few months had been a whirlwind to Virgil. Logan and Roman had been just as accepting as Patton, perhaps even more so when Virgil found out that Logan was the one who had given him his name, his immaculate handwriting being a perfect match to what Virgil had read all those years ago. Roman had even created a custom purple and black checkered binder for Virgil to wear, one that magically did not constrict his breathing unlike the scratchy one he made for himself, so he could wear it at all times. So, now that Virgil felt a million times more comfortable, he ate each and every meal with the others, joining in on movie nights and game nights and any other family activity Patton could think of to bring the four together for an evening, and Virgil couldn’t have been happier. The best part was that the black colouring had finally left his hair, allowing him to once more have bright purple locks.

 

There was a large slam, one now all to familiar to Virgil as he was helping Patton dish up the breakfast. A Dark Side had just entered their realm.

“Well isn’t this a lovely sight?” Virgil heard Deceit’s deep, drawn out hiss, more snake-like than he had ever witnessed, and he felt a shiver run up his spine before Patton forced him to move slightly to the left.

“He can’t see you here, okay?” Patton mouthed, before turning to look at Deceit over the breakfast bar, and Virgil could feel the sheer anger radiating off of him.

“Deceit. What brings you here?” Logan’s tone was calm as he was sat at the dinner table. Deceit cleared his throat, before speaking, and Virgil was glad that he didn’t speak in lies around the other Sides.

“I seemed to have misplaced something a few years ago, would you happen to have it?”

“Well that depends, what did you lose, Jack the Fibber?” Roman spoke up from where he was lounging on the couch, now taking up the seat Virgil had occupied.

“A certain small, anxious Side named Nerezza.” Deceit nearly spat the name out and Virgil visibly winced at hearing the name.

“Hmm, I don’t know anybody by that name,” Roman’s tone was jovial, and he didn’t hesitate from hearing this foreign name for the first time. “Hey, Virgil! Do you know anyone named Nerezza!?” Virgil paused, before he could feel a smile spread on his face. Roman was confidently messing with Deceit.

“Nope, sorry! I don’t know anybody named Nerezza!” Virgil called back, making sure to stay out of sight, and he could hear Deceit’s hiss at hearing his voice.

“Guess you must have lost this mystery person forever,” Logan spoke again, standing up. “I suggest you look elsewhere.” Deceit huffed, realising he would not get his way, not with the Light Sides around, and he swiftly left, the door to the DarkScape slamming once more.

 

The air was still for a few seconds, before Roman burst out laughing, filling the air with warmth in moments.

“Did you- - - s-see! The l-look on - - - his face!!!” He was barely coherent as he near enough cackled, clutching at his sides. Virgil felt himself start to laugh softly as well.

 

Things had well and truly changed forever. Virgil had a family, and he couldn’t have wished for anything else.


End file.
